In my Facebook feed, I regularly see posts from friends who are going through a lot – loss of a loved one, the prodigal child, parent with Alzheimer’s, spouse with cancer, depression, anxiety, medical emergencies – and who reach out for support.  You look at the comments to their posts and you see a mix of supportive statements – “You’re in our thoughts,” “Hang in there,” “Everything is going to work out,” and of course “I’ll pray for you.”  I often say that – “I’ll pray for you.”  I’ll write down their name on my prayer list, pray for them and then life, as it does, gets in the way, and I don’t always follow up.  As lawyers, we’re all busy and we all see a lot of people hurting – in our families, among our friends, in our offices, in our houses of worship and through social media.  Often we are at a loss for words, or worse, we say the wrong things.  What should we do under these circumstances?

            First, draw from your own experiences.  Have you been through a similar loss, struggle or obstacle in your life?  Have you struggled with depression, fought cancer and won, had a wayward child or lost a job?  You made it through.  Those days were dark but you’re here, now.  When you’re in the middle of pain, doubt and loss, it’s hard to see a way out.  It’s hard to see being joyous again.  But you saw the clouds dissipate and the sun come out.  One day you woke up and the burden you carried was lighter and eventually it was gone altogether.  Coming out the other side took courage, resilience and refusing to stay down.  If you experienced what a friend is experiencing now and you overcame it, you can share that with your friend and let them know they’ll overcome it too.  It may not seem that way to them now, but it didn’t feel that way to you when you were in the middle of it, but you did find a way out and so will she.  Knowing a story has a happy ending, even if it wasn’t the one you expected or hoped for, makes going through the conflict of the story easier.

            Second, offer advice sparingly.  When you’re depressed you don’t want others telling you to eat better, exercise more or simply make yourself get out of bed.  You’re depressed.  You don’t want others telling you what to do.  Of course if you suspect someone is suicidal, you want to intervene and help the person seek professional help.  But telling people what to do often doesn’t help.  They’re not looking for a savior or a hero, they’re looking for a friend to listen to them.  Take the time to learn more about your friend’s struggles and simply listen.  Once you’ve shown your concern and attention, your friend may very well ask for advice or help, which may include you recommending a support group, offering to go for walks or runs together or something else entirely.  Show concern, listen, earn the other’s trust and then offer advice when solicited.

            Third, avoid the clichés.  Don’t use throwaway lines or sayings to address the problem.  They oversimplify the situation and come across as though you don’t care enough to give your friend and her situation any real thought or concern.  Instead of saying something trite, let your friend know that you empathize, you’re concerned, you will be thinking about her and will follow up with her in the weeks ahead.  And then calendar a time and date you’ll reach out to her again and see how she’s doing.  We all want to know that our lives matter to others and if something happens to us others will be concerned and be there for us.  Let others know you’ll be there for them and actually follow up to show that you meant what you said.

            Finally, think what you would want if you were in your friend’s shoes.  What response would you want? What help would you seek? Who would you want to notice you? What would you want them to say? How could they make a difference?  We’re not all that different from one another.  The reactions you would want are likely the same ones your friend is seeking.  Keep that in mind when responding to her.

            I believe that the pain, loss and suffering we have gone through in our lives wasn’t for us as much as it was for others who one day will go through the same thing and want to be reassured that they’re going to be OK.  If nothing else, give your suffering meaning by helping others manage and get through theirs.  Letting someone know that you know how they feel and that they will get through this because you did can make all the difference in the world.